Alright, here we go folks. I’m doing some actual blogging. Using actual words and sentences. Revolutionary, right? Hold on to your hats.
I’ve tried this blogging thing before, you see. I’ve attempted to blog for my photography business; I think that WordPress blog is still floating around. I’ve got a personal Tumblr that stays rather active but in a much less serious way. I tried a Blogger site for a while but I got lazy. So this is my re-dedication to blogging about stuff, and, things.
We’ll start with this – lately my life has been a hot mess. I’m in no place to pretend otherwise. Almost two months ago, my then boyfriend decided he was not as into our relationship as I was and dumped me via a text message. It wasn’t my first breakup, but it was the first time I’d been dumped. It tore up my plans to relocate closer to him, get a full time job, have an apartment. Okay so it didn’t tear them up entirely but it did toss me to the ground and drag me along for a very rough, rocky, painful ride. My summer job at my favorite camp ended right around the same time, leaving me single, jobless, and with no clue what to do or where to go.
I’ve never wanted to run away from my problems as much as I did in that month or so. I was at what I will openly call my rock bottom. My anxiety and depression – oh yeah I have those! – were immense. Now anyone who knows about anxiety and depression will tell you they contradict each other in the worst way. Depression puts you in bed all day with no desire to do anything, and anxiety reminds you of the 100 other things you need to be doing while you’re busy wanting to do nothing. I’ll talk more about that later. But yes, I was just a mess.
Now, in general, I love my life. I’m happy. I enjoy laughing and singing and dancing. I’m blessed with many amazing people who love me and support me. But I’ve seriously lacked trust in God. I’d make decisions based upon my own knowledge or wants, enjoy it for a while, then flake out on it because it wasn’t going as my original plan dictated. Its a combination of having very little patience with life and trying to forge my own way without any regard for God.
How do these two points match up? What I realized, after the breakup and subsequent breakdown of what felt like my life plan, was that all my plans fell apart because I was definitely not making sure they were glorifying God’s plan. The relationship I was in started as a one-night stand. The job I was taking was something I knew was good, but would burn me out quickly. I could have technically afforded a room in an apartment but it wasn’t financially the best option. But because he was there, I was trying to make it happen.
Sometimes God has to break us down. Sometimes, we help Him by building ourselves into little fragile castles that are easily shattered to bits. Sometimes God takes things away because He knows we won’t let go. But He will most certainly take our broken pieces and build us into something stronger, better, brighter. He will replace what He took away with something bigger than our wildest dreams. But before that happens, we have to accept that we will stumble and fall, we will hit our heads against a wall, we will be scraping rock bottom. The beauty of that is we then get to begin all over again, with God at the helm of the great new adventure.
But I trusted in, relied on, and was confident in You, O Lord; I said, You are my God. My times are in Your hands; deliver me from the hands of my foes and those who pursue me and persecute me. – Psalm 31:14-15