Weight Today: 222lbs
Total Weight Dropped: 93lbs
My health journey has been 25 years in the making. Possibly not actually that long because as a small child, say birth to 5 years old, I was a bundle of twiggy arms and legs. I continuously went through phases of being super pudgy and average, depending on the growth spurt that year. Structurally, I was larger than my fellow female classmates in elementary and early middle school; taller, thicker, heavier. In high school I thinned out due to involvement in cheerleading, and just overall consideration for my weight. I was still ‘big’, but a more socially acceptable ‘big’.
In September 2008 I headed off to my first year of college. You know what’s coming next – the Freshman Fifty. Normally its the Freshman Fifteen. I’ve never followed the norm, y’all. My depression spiked in my second semester due to a terrible relationship, and my intake verses output was not in my body’s favor. I don’t know the exact number but I’m certain I gained about 50 lbs that first year I was away.
Anyway, in 2011 I hit what I consider my “Before” weight. Its actually not my heaviest weight overall, but its my heaviest recorded weight. 315. Three hundred and fifteen pounds. I’ll never forget those little red numbers burning into my brain from around my toes. I was horrified, scared, ashamed. How did I let myself get there?! I knew I couldn’t stay that way. So I started off small, changing how much I ate and how much I moved around.
Last August, I saw my lowest weight since high school! 205! In about four years I’d lost 110lbs. I’m always really proud when I get to say that, yet I always feel really strange as well. We’re saturated with stories of people losing 100lbs in a year, or dropping twelve pant sizes (which okay we all know women’s pant sizes are bullcrap anyway, right?!) in nine months. I never feel like I lost weight fast enough, or even lost enough to brag about. I’ll still tell folks about it, though, just because its an accomplishment I am proud of.
I knew that since August, I had gained back a little weight. I forgave myself; I moved into my own apartment, went through some mental illness stuff, just life in general was stressful. I hadn’t realized it was 15lbs until today though. The scale at school told me 222lbs. That’s where I am at, today, and I’m trying to be okay with it. Its my favorite week of the month, we just went through Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I’m just getting back into exercising regularly. Years of disordered thinking is difficult to fight against when everything in me is screaming that now I can’t eat dinner and I shouldn’t have had those scoops of gelato and I needed to go for an extra run after my T25 workout. Its a battlefield in there, y’all. Anyone who has lived their life with a “weight problem” knows what I mean. 95% of it is all in your head.
Days like these are when I have to pull out my progress photos and remind myself how far I’ve come. I remind myself that I’m not trying to be skinny, I’m trying to not die at 60 of unchecked Type 2 diabetes or have a sudden heart attack because my arteries are clogged with plaque. I’m trying to be healthy so I don’t develop gestational diabetes when I’m blessed with carrying babies. I’m trying to be heathy, not skinny. And that thought process is an every day adventure.