I’ve been feeling a bit blah lately. My dearest friend Jordan defined it as ‘heavy’, and she was precisely correct. I’ve felt heavy; heavy-hearted, literally heavy like I weigh too much, and just burdened. Which does not align with what my life currently looks like. Things have been going really well! Feelings are terrible leaders. I’ll repeat that for those in the back – FEELINGS ARE REALLY BAD LEADERS. Last week, I was really emotional. Now, let’s be honest (as usual), I cry at everything. It is my immediate emotional response to anything; anger, fear, love, joy – I cry. Showing emotion is not the issue. If I allowed my feelings to still be in charge, I would have cried all weekend, broken up with Dylan, and cried some more. I want exactly NONE of those things.
In seeking answers as to why I’ve felt so heavy, I turned to two of my most trusted friends, Lauren and Jordan, as well as Dylan. I trust these three to not only see beyond my current issues, but to continue pointing me to Jesus first. With their input, as well as my own conversations with God, I realized I’m heavy because I’ve been allowing control back into my life. Which, ironically, makes me feel out of control. It makes me question everything. It makes me a worried, anxious micromanager. Sounds like a real catch, doesn’t it?
One of the things I’ve struggled to give up is control of my future. I’ve always been a planner, a go-getter perfectionist who stalls herself out with fear of losing control. Needless to say, I get nowhere fast. I feel a little out of my league with where I am in my life. I’m slightly overwhelmed with the good stuff, and inevitably I seek out the other shoe that is waiting to drop squarely on my head. I live in a world of what-ifs. I literally create my own worst-case scenario. I am Oedipus, and I totally keep hitting on my mother and cutting my eyes out.
While I talk a good talk to God about Him being involved with my life, I sometimes lack the connection between what I know and what I feel. I know God is in control, but I feel like there are so many possibilities of things that could blow up in my face. I could not get financial aid to go back to school so I never apply. Dylan might never do the dishes so maybe he isn’t the one God has planned for me. I worry so often, about so many things, that I can’t really enjoy my life. I worry because I cannot control those things – I cannot make Dylan suddenly enjoy cleaning our future home, I cannot force the financial aid office to give me funds to take classes. And because those things mean something to me, I worry that if I am a failure at them, I am a failure.
So at the end of the day, my control is steeped in the fear that I am a failure. I hope y’all like my posts because I learn something new every time I write one! Truly, I am simply a human who is working her way through life one speed bump at a time. Sometimes I try to drive my own car over those speed bumps. Sometimes I get so consumed with worry, I put the parking break on from the backseat and refuse to even put the car in drive. And God loves me all the same from the driver’s seat.